An Anniversary Reaction to COVID-19 & Five Tips To Help You Cope With It
Are you feeling not quite right, and you don’t know why? It could be what’s known as an anniversary reaction to COVID-19. Research looking at individuals coping with trauma, as well as entire communities that have faced a trauma together, has found that around an anniversary of a traumatic event, people may experience an increase in feelings of distress known as an “anniversary reaction.” This might look like an increase in intrusive memories, thoughts, and feelings from a year ago, a marked negative shift in mood, or a marked increase in arousal leaving you feeling ill at ease which may also impact your ability to sleep. In the last ten days or so my sleep radically shifted and I am struggling to stay asleep and I am having one anxiety dream after another—much like I did last March.
March 12, 2020 was the last day I stepped inside of JDI Barbell, the barbell club where I came into my own as a coach and found a lot of healing under the bar. I had no idea that would be the last time I stepped into that building in Queens. Maybe that’s why there is no date in my training journal; as far as I knew then, it was an unremarkable day.
Things were already tense in New York City. We didn’t understand coronavirus and it was the liminal period between it not being an issue here to it bringing huge sectors of the city that never sleeps to a grinding halt. We were going about our lives but many of us were scared as we did so. I rode the subway, with my gym bag clutched between my knees, and I was apprehensive about breathing because there were a few other people in the subway car. However breath is fundamental to life, so I had no choice. My eyes darted around as if I might be able to see germs so I could dodge them before they came my way. I was on high alert.
I intentionally arrived at the gym earlier than usual, before the after-work crowd showed up. That seemed safer. No one was talking about social distancing or masks yet. We urged to wash our hands frequently and not touch our faces. I tested my one rep max (the heaviest single I could do) on the snatch and the clean and jerk (both movements entail lifting the bar from the floor and catching it overhead). I had been training in Olympic weightlifting for eight weeks, the longest I had practiced it since 2016. It was my return to a sport I love—moving around the bar and catching it overhead is both a meditation and a visceral experience of strength.
More people were showing up to train and I was getting nervous. I cleaned and jerked forty-two kilograms (ninety-two pounds), with a bit more in the tank, when one member who had just arrived and began to warm up blurted across the gym to his friend, “Yeah, some people on other floors and like my boss’ wife have got it! Whatever, it’s just the flu.” I turned to look at him as he wiped his face with his hand and then continued to warm up. Stunned, I literally held my breath, packed up my gear, pumped some hand sanitizer into my hands, and ran out of the gym. When the cold evening air filled my lungs, I realized I wouldn’t be going back for a bit. And yet, I had no idea of what the next year was going to be like. Do you remember that moment you realized your behavior was going to have change?
Overall, one year later, I am okay. I have been healthy and have had the privilege of working from home and avoiding groups. I built a home gym in my apartment, and I am pleased to report that I am Olympic weightlifting again, albeit in my bedroom. I am a few weeks in and I think I am on track to do a little better than I did last year. But all of this neutral or positive news doesn’t line up with how I am feeling at this moment. How about you? How are you one year later?
Ask Yourself, “How am I right now, in this moment?”
I invite you to ask yourself, “how am I right now, in this moment?” Note than answer. Now check in with your body, and ask yourself, “how do I feel right now?” Does that line up with your thoughts or is it dissonant? There is no right answer, it is just information. The two are dissonant for me.
In the grand scheme of things I am fine and yet my nervous system doesn’t quite seem to get that. As I noted I am having trouble sleeping and I am jumpy, irritable, and more easily frustrated. Also I am really sad, and I cannot help but grieve for the missed opportunities, canceled plans, and thwarted hugs. So I am making space to do so, as well as honoring the fact that I may need more rest and care.
Simple self-care can help you cope with an anniversary reaction
Below are five tips for navigating these few weeks if you are struggling with an anniversary reaction to the pandemic.
Seek out social connection
Feeling connected to others is crucial to healing. We connect through facial expressions, body language, and tone of voice. While we may miss hugs and gatherings we can still connect with one another. You can call or video chat with a loved one or your therapist, curl up with a pet, go for a masked walk or socially distanced and outdoors coffee with a friend.
Drink plenty of water
Be sure to keep drinking water throughout the day. Dehydration can contribute to feeling lousy and multiple studies have found that there is a link between dehydration and anxiety, that drinking more water lowers the risk of anxiety and depression.
Get moving
Exercise boosts your mood. If you aren’t feeling up to do a home workout, that’s okay; going for a walk, doing some gentle stretches, or having a dance party are all ways to boost your mood. Pick something you enjoy doing and not something you feel you should do.
Have compassion for yourself
You have a right to have your feelings. Each of us has had our own unique lived experience and each of us has a right to feel however we feel. Honor that by allowing yourself time and space to experience your emotions. As I noted my last year was okay and yet there is no denying I feel incredibly sad a lot these days. I will be at home feeling my feelings as they ebb and flow and that is okay.
Make something
Journaling, knitting, cooking, baking, gardening, or painting are all examples of creative activities many people took up after the first few weeks of the pandemic. I suggest we keep them up because engaging in creative processes gives us space to process all those feelings we are sitting with.
While these are simple techniques I also acknowledge it isn’t always easy to follow through on them. I am finding it harder to show up for myself to practice self-care but I know from experience it is more important now, while it is harder. I invite you to start with one thing, perhaps, having a few sips of water. And please be gentle, kind, and understanding with yourself and others as we navigate our anniversary reactions.
If you need immediate help
If you’re having thoughts of self-harm or suicide, there are many people available to support you. In the U.S., call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255. The International Association for Suicide Prevention and Befrienders Worldwide also provide contact information for crisis centers around the world.
If you’re experiencing emotional pain and need support, Crisis Text Line is a texting service for emotional crisis support. To speak with a trained listener, text HELLO to 741741 in the U.S. or Canada, 85258 in the U.K., and 50808 in Ireland. It’s free, available 24/7, and confidential.